Anyway, a new chapter of my life just unfolded. The end of attachment and I finally get to face all my problems that have been awaiting me.
-Friends
I really miss them. Hot or cold ones. Happy or sad ones. Have really been reminiscing about them since don't know when.
Henry, the nights when I woke up of dreams with you in it and me still crying. I'm still wondering why we drifted. You're not going to see this post, as things are no longer the same. We no longer keep each other updated, we no longer try to meet up. No more mustafa late nights prata sessions with teh tarik.
Jon, the times when we meetup for study sessions. LAN sessions as well as sleepovers with Henry. The stupid jokes that we made with each other. Stupid bangla videos that we always made fun of. You brightened up my life so much more.
Jovi, sleepovers at your place too. I got scolded by you ever so often in DotA but I didn't mind, I just enjoyed being with you. Supper nights as well as pool nights were what I looked forward to, even though we lived far apart.
Park, the gym times when we went out. Jogging sessions at East Coast, making fun of each other and mahjong sessions which you were not really good at but enjoyable nevertheless.
You know what? I'm really sick of this. I'm sick of feeling like the only one missing that part of my life. I'm sick of trying to go back into the past when it's all only me thinking about it. I'm the one at fault I know. My relationships caused me to drift so much from you guys, every single one leading me further and further away from you guys. Polytechnic and JC life making us drift as well. The olden times will never come back, and that is a fact. I'm sick of going to places we went before and having you guys come back to my mind. Being reminded of the laughters, of how much I laughed my heart out and enjoyed every single moment. And I know how much Shaun gave in to me.
Shaun, thank you for everything, for helping me with my USB modem, for making the effort to pull me back with everybody together. For being with me on that phone call which I cried for failing to get them back with me together. I apologise for being so busy with work and school, and put in futile efforts when everybody else were busy with their own work and school. For being foolishly childish and so demanding for them to give in to my meetups.
Friendships are like relationships to me. I cherish every single one, especially when they were ones that I could be myself with them, doing stupid jokes, getting hugs when I meet you guys, being there for me and always cheering me up when I fell in my relationships. You guys were like a necessity in my life.
But I guess life is like that. Nobody ever cares anymore. Nobody even comments or like on my post on facebook anymore. It's like nobody no longer cares about that genuine friendship, and I'm getting the signal that that friendship that I shared with you guys is not even that important to you to even comment or like it.
I'm sorry for everything, and I thank all of you for it. This will be the last fucking time I am ever going to go on about this.
And Vanessa, I'm sorry for being like this. It's just me, I'm in a critical part of my life, I too have choices I don't like to make. I need both relationship and friends, and I'm trying to make a balance. I don't want to lose any, not anymore. I don't want the past to ever happen again. I really don't have the strength to make a choice. I don't have the courage to make new friends again, true friends. I don't have the courage to go on dates and find somebody like you again as well. You matter to me more than anything else on other days, but I really have to say that on this day, I'd like to focus a little more on my friends. Yes it's just my mind working itself like clockwork, though I'm trying hard to go against it, I just can't stop myself from dwelling on friendships and everything. Especially right before I'm going into NS, I really hope to make everything nice. I hope to go in with perfect friendships, a perfect relationship and a family that's satisfied with me. I gave in to my parents on the allowance part, and am trying my very best to cope with everything. That's me, I'm a perfectionist, I hope I'll get your understanding on this. I love you, only you. I see our picture on my desktop wallpaper everyday, I login to facebook with our photos on it and smile at them. I admit that my words very a little explicit and that I did wrong in using the wrong words and expression style in talking to a friend, and forgetting your insecurity for that instance. Thank you for reminding me. I'll look into it and take care in my words and not mislead anybody.
Life just has to tire you out.
