Tiring week, my body still hasn't adjusted to SOC's regiment, so it's aching and panting like shit. 300m rundown, one word. Shag.
Booked out right after that, and bus-ed home to play HON. Chilled at home till night, went over to meet Jing Ni & Janny for a short meet-up, plus Ryan, Deb, Ahzri and Gordon on and off, afterwhich we cabbed down to Rebel. Met a lot of other people there! Drank with Samson, Darren, Ryan & Deb till a bit too high. Samson KO-ed, OPPS, and cabbed home first so I was with Darren and my boys. Kinda squeezy there but oh well. Cabbed home with Moe, and hit the sack right after cos of all the alcohol in me.
Woke up with hangover and headache, but played HON till night and then met Gordon for Powerhouse. There's nothing like home, really. The feeling that comes back when I take the first step into the club. I've been patronizing this place for almost 2 years afterall. The memories that come along with it, the fun I had inside, the people that came and left in it. So much so much more. And there's always some songs played that remind me of a few specific people. Had Macs after club, and cabbed home with Ahzri and Gordon. Totally slept like pig on the cab, sorry Gordon. LOL.
I know I've promised to stop going over and over the past. Just bear with me for this one because I reciprocate, and since V made one for me, I'd reciprocate it as well. Basic courtesy.
You pushed me off to fend for myself, when I stood strong for you.
You left me cold, forsaken us for your ambitions, your freedom, your new-found life.
You crippled me, forced myself to slowly stand up step by step, building everything all over again.
You took everything along with you, I was nothing but a dis-coloured piece of paper stepped over with your footprints.
You were the one who made me become this, tired of making even making the slightest effort for anything.
I'm sorry for not being able to keep you, even after trying so hard.
I'm sorry for not being able to fulfill my promise of taking your hand and pathing the way for us.
I'm sorry for being overly naive.
I'm sorry for taking your words, your blog posts, your promises so seriously.
You will be happy, be it with another guy or whoever. That's what you left us for.
You will be able to hang on to things, because you were confident that you can do so even without me.
You will one day, find somebody who'd hold your heart better than how I did.
As I've said, don't look back. I'm no longer the person in the past. There are lots of pieces of me to be picked up, shattered shards to be placed back by the next, nothing but a decapitated heart for the next to mend. I doubt anybody will want to do such a thing. Right back at you, yes it feels strange doing things without you yet with you around. I don't like to act like you're transparent as well. I just don't know how to face you anymore, to even converse with you, to start the first sentence. You will be much stronger without me. And it's difficult to ever get back to the same places or people, especially when you don't believe in working for things, it's only closer to impossible. I have decided and helped you to make the decision of totally not looking back through bracing my heart as cold as ice and hard as titanium, so as to help you achieve your aim of being happy without me.
Thank you Ryan, for being there even though it was only through Whatsapp, for giving me the feeling that I had a pillar of support. And it's the best feeling because it's you. I hate feeling weak, especially when I'm the type of person that's strong for others, and happy when people around me are happy. I really don't know where I would be now without you, and I'm sure it's needless to say how much I'd strive to keep you by my side if one day I had to face the situation of losing you. I love you.
For whatever that is coming up in my life right now, I will only do whatever that is within my capabilities, and I'm sorry if I'm not able to meet your demands, perhaps for now I'm that useless. Just for a short while. When I finally find the courage to say 'I love you' to the next one, please know that I'm really giving everything my all. That is if I manage to. To whoever it might be, whenever it might happen and whatever it might be because of.
Love you guys.
