Okay I'm blogging somehow at 7am cos HON is down and I'm really bored. Listening to this lovely song so I guess I shall kinda put some of my thoughts out. I mean, yes people don't listen to what you tell yourself late at night, but I somehow just feel like wording it out. I changed the playlist by the way so the music plays by itself cos I somehow couldn't get it to appear, my apologies.

Everytime National Service hits me, somehow a wave of fear just overcomes me. Changes are going to come along with it, be it in terms of relationship or family or work or mentality.

I'm doing fairly fine in my relationship, the usual ups and downs perhaps, but things will change once NS starts. The insecurity is going to kick in, the worries, the feeling of being separated and once anything happens I'm stuck inside and there's no helping it. Just thinking about it gives me the creeps and make me wanna back out of this relationship and stay all by myself already. Who doesn't want a partner who stays home while he serves the nation and offers a peace of mind? Not that my girl doesn't try and secure me, but somehow I still have that prick there. Countless examples from facebook and around me, what more is there to say?

My family's going to be worried, they're gonna start nagging about my health, asking about what's happening inside and stuff. Kinda looking forward to it yet not looking forward to it, you know what I mean right? HAHA. It's like growing up yet I don't wanna grow up just yet, to be sensible and appreciate my parents' love because I know I appreciate deep down, but I don't want to because I wanna be a kid and be at loggerheads with my parents.

Work is going to take a 180 degree change, from casual part-timing to working full-time five/six day work week. The category of work might change as well, so I need to brush up on everything essential for my future work spot. Once I come out of NS, the standard of intake of employees is going to change, everything is going to change. Makes me feel so insecure as well.

Mentality wise I might just be tired worrying about things and physically tired from the workout in NS so I prolly am going to be more drained than ever. Better stock up energy now roar.

So that's just one topic, NS that I thought about.

Relationship wise, I'm not really sure but am still taking a leap of faith and going for it. Love is like that isn't it, always working for the better. That's why people change partners when they realise another one suits them more and makes things feel more right and better. Just saying, not that I'm intending to get another one or what, but it's that there's nothing right or wrong in love. If your heart tells you this, just go with it. I'm still following my heart and her heart so I hope everything goes well. Kinda freaked out by NS as well so I'm not really sure. Thought I could spend a little more time with her before I get in but, guess will see how it goes since things are tough for her as well on her family side. Just wanna, you know, get to hug somebody I love to sleep everyday before I am unable to anymore and start sleeping on that cold bed with only fan and me myself with space on both sides. So not gonna be used to NS, since my bed is beside the wall and only has 1 side expose to space. I wanna do so many things with the one I love before I go in, Universal Studios and Marina Bay Sands Resort which I had never went before, Picnic-ing and swimming at Sentosa with her, Overseas, a night's stay at a hotel with those kind of romantic night evening and just us two cuddling and watching the night city's scenery and so many more. Hiking, strolling in parks at nights, overnight cycling, flying kites and oh-my-god so much more. Shall stop picking out things in case it's getting windy since people are reading this, though somehow I meant this post for myself. Money is never enough so I guess financial problems are an obstruction.

Thought about it and I am actually quite determined to quit club, though I've lost most of my close friends ever since I started out on this relationship. Friends who live too far and distance is kinda a problem slowly drifts once club is no longer a common place for us, friends who are forced to leave for my girl gets suspicious and jealous, friends who drifted away due to them having their own lives now and are living in their own world, have all now become casual friends. I mean yes there are people there for me when I am down, but my world is kind of different from what I expected it to be. Being the da nan ren me, I would be bringing my girl along with my friends instead of me following her and her friends, but I guess things somehow shifted towards me being brought along w her friends and acknowledging her friends into my social circle instead. My life has changed from clubbing with friends, staying out for smoke breaks and late night phone talks and msn chats, being in the center of the limelight, taking bike lessons, gymming and maintaining my figure, buying contacts for my looks and styling hair, shopping for my own clothes and going for a fashionable outlook, to staying home and gaming just to pass time so I can get to see my loved one faster, packing the bed and changing mattresses once she arrives so she gets to sleep comfortably, spending money on every possible thing that might make her happy instead of myself, mahjong-ing with her friends so she gets to do what she wants, and working for money so she doesn't have to worry about financial problems since she's not really keen on working and studies somehow in a way or another never seem to be just-nice-timing for her. It feels like I'm already on my way to being a househusband, ever waiting for my wife to bring me out and be free from her family and friends so I can finally have her all to myself, without a dog for her to hug instead of me, without her family and friends' presence so we can cuddle and actually feel like a couple. Yes I know couples don't have to PDA that much, but I guess I've given up on everything that I would have insisted on having in the past so I kind of expect more from her, though I know it's impossible for her because her family are tough on her now and she still wants her friends, at least more than I want mine. The mutuality just doesn't match up and it just pains me, disappoints me and everything. Trying to take it in so let's just see how it goes.

Okay back to quitting club, since I've drifted away from the topic long ago. Somehow I just hope for her to quit club and not want to go back there anymore so I get to stop worrying about her wanting to club when I'm in NS, yet I'm also afraid that she might want to go too much that she hides it from me, and just agreeing to quit club and then going there once I'm in NS. So ironic. Not that she hasn't shown enough to make me trust her or stuff, but it's just I have seen too much and know so much about girls who club and girls who don't, that I still have that prick in me. I guess that's the bad part about finding someone that suits you in a club. Because it's just so full of messy people, people seeking solace from problems in their reality, people seeking fun, people with insecurity, people with broken families who seek the comfort of one night stands and dances with the other gender and stuff like that, worries never stop coming. Not that I regret knowing her there, but the prick's just there somehow. Yes I am a clubber and I should have seen it there, but somehow deep down I guess I always went there to find someone who'd be naughty only for me, and a good girl to all so I can finally settle down and end this clubbing thing and start the two-person world thing. My girl still looks forward to clubbing so I'm not really sure what I want as well, though I really hope for us both to quit clubbing.

You know, I feel so self-contradicting myself that I'm really lost. I want this yet I don't want this, I don't want that yet I have to want that. I guess life is never about what you want, it's about what you can want. It's not about what you need, it's about what you need and is possible to be given to you. I'll bring up an example, food. Starving Africans on the verge of death need food, but only when food is possible of being given to them, then will the need actually come upon as an actual need. So for those who do not get rations or the extra food-help from other countries like Singapore and die, their life is only all about needing what they could never get and full of helpless regrets. I have turned upon so many corners that now I'm cornered and can only take the path given to me, regardless of the path that I want to walk or the destination I need to reach.

And I feel so relaxed and so chilled just sitting here and listening to calming music. I always adored lying down with my partner and just listening to music and looking into each other's eyes without talking and cuddling together. Tell me I'm old or whatever, I'm just like that, I prefer simple moments that we spend with each other, rather than wanting to get high and all that. I guess I'm the only stupid guy that wants that and would give up everything else just to get that dream come true.

I want to feel happy again, to truly smile with my girl and enjoy everything and have a smooth relationship once and for all. I'm just tired, just so tired of 11 months of ups and downs. Yes the saying goes that quarrels are inevitable, but I'm just so fucking sick of it. I just want to enjoy an awfully long honeymoon period without being jealous, worried, missing her presence and feeling this unmatched mutuality, after putting in effort for so long. They say you yield what you sow, I'm still waiting, no matter how much my heart has withered. I can do so much better if I become single, but I just want to hope and at least get something out of this relationship.

Sorry for the goddamn long post, I really meant this for only myself. So those who came to read for leisure, thank you for your time, if you even read till the bottom.

Love you guys.